Why Your Child May Not Talk To You
- By Andrew Ashworth
- Published April 25, 2008
- Parenting
- Unrated
Andrew Ashworth
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"How was school today?" "Good." “What'd you do?" "Nothing." sound familiar? Sometimes it's tough to get children to talk about their day, and even the most persistent parent may give up after the third or fourth one- or two-word answer. Through a parent's eyes, the child may seem just not interested or even bothered by the same old daily questions. Readers might be surprised to find out what it's like from the child's perspective, which is the purpose of this chapter. The central premise is that children do communicate with parents, who just have to become better listeners. Parents must avoid imposing adult points of view and agendas on their children. With my guidelines, parents can get a sense of what goes on in their child's life, which often entails spending time away from home in school, with friends, or with the parents of friends.
When eight-year-old Sophia arrives home from second grade, the only thing on her mind is getting a snack and finding a play date for those precious hours before dinner. As she steps off the bus, school becomes a distant memory. "Parents are weird. They tell each other all about their day over dinner. How boring!" she tells me. Sophia's best time to talk is right before bed, when she just "feels like it," or when she's traveling in the car and the hypnotic motion lends itself to her most curious thoughts. "Sometimes I feel like my parents aren't ready to talk to me about things, like the time I asked them, when we were on the way to summer vacation, how babies were made," she says. Translation: "When my parents ask me about school, it's annoying, as if they have to know the answers to their questions at a time that's best for them. A lot of times I'd rather not say how I feel, and wish they could just tell what's on my mind."
Two basic things children want from their parents are to be listened to and to be understood. The keys to talking to children are listening, timing, and being receptive to their questions, whenever and wherever they occur, as well as reading signals and translating behavior. Many parents do this unconsciously in familiar situations. For example, they may know that the late-afternoon bewitching hour for young children, when their crankiness is predictable, has to do with fatigue and hunger, not necessarily true irritation. Effective parents need to listen beyond the sniffles of childhood.
Important nonverbal signals, such as body posture, eye contact, and tone of voice, can help parents "read" what their children are really saying. Interpreting physical signals, such~ as complaints of headaches or joint or abdominal pains, become all the more important because most children don t spontaneously say what s on their minds Lots of times however the door is open and they are just waiting for a parent to approach them. A parent needs to be a detective gleaning clues from the behavior and language of the child, and from conversations with other parents and teachers Like a detective you may ask direct questions and receive evasive answers Your best tools are observation logical thinking intuition and luck
When eight-year-old Sophia arrives home from second grade, the only thing on her mind is getting a snack and finding a play date for those precious hours before dinner. As she steps off the bus, school becomes a distant memory. "Parents are weird. They tell each other all about their day over dinner. How boring!" she tells me. Sophia's best time to talk is right before bed, when she just "feels like it," or when she's traveling in the car and the hypnotic motion lends itself to her most curious thoughts. "Sometimes I feel like my parents aren't ready to talk to me about things, like the time I asked them, when we were on the way to summer vacation, how babies were made," she says. Translation: "When my parents ask me about school, it's annoying, as if they have to know the answers to their questions at a time that's best for them. A lot of times I'd rather not say how I feel, and wish they could just tell what's on my mind."
Two basic things children want from their parents are to be listened to and to be understood. The keys to talking to children are listening, timing, and being receptive to their questions, whenever and wherever they occur, as well as reading signals and translating behavior. Many parents do this unconsciously in familiar situations. For example, they may know that the late-afternoon bewitching hour for young children, when their crankiness is predictable, has to do with fatigue and hunger, not necessarily true irritation. Effective parents need to listen beyond the sniffles of childhood.
Important nonverbal signals, such as body posture, eye contact, and tone of voice, can help parents "read" what their children are really saying. Interpreting physical signals, such~ as complaints of headaches or joint or abdominal pains, become all the more important because most children don t spontaneously say what s on their minds Lots of times however the door is open and they are just waiting for a parent to approach them. A parent needs to be a detective gleaning clues from the behavior and language of the child, and from conversations with other parents and teachers Like a detective you may ask direct questions and receive evasive answers Your best tools are observation logical thinking intuition and luck
